


Love Me Like I Could Never Love Myself

by quicksilverdeancas (quicksilvermalec)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Divergent After 9x03, Castiel Ships Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Ships Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, Everyone Has Self-Worth Issues, Ezekiel is A Good Guy, Ezekiel is Actually Ezekiel (Supernatural), Fluff, Gabriel Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Insecure Gabriel, M/M, Post-Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sorry Not Sorry, Spoilers for Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, enjoy ig, this is shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-30 07:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21424693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilverdeancas
Summary: “All I wanna do right now is to go back to the bunker and drink and sleep! But you know what, I can’t do that, Sammy, because my bed still smells like Cas, and my booze still tastes like Cas, and Cas? Cas fuckin’ hates me now!”
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Ezekiel & Sam Winchester, Ezekiel & everyone, Gabriel & Dean Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 69





	Love Me Like I Could Never Love Myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rainbow_Transform](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbow_Transform/gifts).

> Universe Alteration where Ezekiel is actually Ezekiel _not_ Gadreel (I'm so happy that that's a real tag) and Sam does actually willingly and knowingly consent to Ezekiel inhabiting his body and healing him from the trials. Canon divergent after 9x03.
> 
> Enjoy!

_Godfuckingdammit, Dean_, was the first thought Sam had once he was conscious enough to function cognitively. _You have _got _to get out of the habit of calling me at one am. _He groaned and grabbed his phone, rubbing at his eyes with his free hand and blearily demanding, “what is it this time?”

“I fucked up, Sammy.”

Sam sighed and rolled his tired eyes. “What is it this time, Dean?” he repeated.

“I kicked Cas out.”

Sam pushed himself into a sitting position, suddenly considerably more alert. “Y- you did? Why?”

“Cause of what Ezekiel said. It was Cas or you, and I… I made a snap judgement.”

“So you kicked your best friend out of your house, and by extension ruined your relationship with him, because your brother is… what, more important to you?”

Dean was quiet for a very long time. Eventually, he said, “yeah. Yeah I did. And now I’m regretting it.”

Sam was already pulling a shirt on over his head, his phone resting on his dresser. “You’re on speaker,” he informed his brother as he grabbed the cleanest pair of jeans he could find. “Where are you?”

“That one bar with the really good peach daiquiris.” Dean’s voice was low and gruff, like he’d been shouting. He didn’t sound drunk, though, which was… interesting, considering the fact that he’s been at a bar. Dean never goes to a bar and then _doesn’t _drink. Dean will take any opportunity to imbibe copious amounts of alcohol.

Sam took a deep breath and then said, “okay, I’m on my way. Be there in five.” He pressed the END CALL button, stepping into his shoes and pulling on his jacket at the same time.

As he walked, he held an internal conference with himself.

**Why did you say that? Why did you have to give him a fucking ultimatum?**

In a moment of panic, Samuel, I was attempting to get him to-

**I know what you were TRYING to do, but why in the hell did you think that would work?**

I panicked, Sam.

**GODDAMMIT, EZEKIEL!**

I’m sorry.

**All our goddamn plans…**

Please do not take my Father’s name in vain, Samuel.

**pLeAsE!**

Samuel-

**Do you have any idea how long I’ve been trying to get him to figure his shit out? Do you have ANY IDEA? Years, Zeke! I have been enduring _years _of the sexual tension and yOu JuSt FuCkEd It Up!**

I’m sorry!

Sam took a deep breath in an attempt to get himself to chill. **No, you’re right. Sorry, man. Let’s focus on getting Cas back into the bunker.**

Very well. I shall start to brainstorm.

He’d been so wrapped up in yelling at the angel in his head he hadn’t even realized he was already at the bar. Halo Restaurant and Bar, it was called, and Sam snorted as he made his way into the building.

He found his brother almost immediately, still nursing what appeared to be his first beer. As he approached, he realized Dean hadn’t drank any of it. _What the actual hell…_ he thought. He tapped Dean on the shoulder and he jumped, then when he realized it was just Sam, relaxed.

“Great, let’s go home,” he muttered, already pushing himself up from the bar. He grabbed his beer bottle and took a deep swig of it, made a face, and tossed it at the opposite wall. The other bar patrons all stared at him as he and Sam exited the building. Sam leaned against the driver’s door of the Impala, watching his brother wearily.

“Dude, what is _up _with you?”

Dean groaned, placing the heels of his hands against the edge of his Baby’s roof and leaning heavily on them, hanging his head. “I am a miserable excuse for a human being, that’s what.”

“You’re fine, Dean,” Sam tried to assure him, but he wouldn’t hear it. He dropped his hands to his sides and stared at Sam helplessly.

“All I wanna do right now is to go back to the bunker and drink and sleep! But you know what, I can’t do that, Sammy, because my bed still smells like Cas, and my booze still tastes like Cas, and Cas? Cas fuckin’ hates me now!”

And what Sam didn’t say – _couldn’t _say, no matter how hard he tried, although it didn’t matter because they both knew it – was that Castiel wasn’t physically capable of hating Dean.

“He misses you,” he said abruptly. “I can feel it. Or, I guess, Zeke can feel it. He’s not even angry, he’s just sad and he misses you.”

“Fuck,” Dean breathed, and Sam clapped him on the shoulder. “Yeah. I know. Now you know what you gotta do, right?”

“Die in a ditch of severe embarrassment?” Dean suggested. Sam laughed.

“No, you gotta go stalk your boyfriend until you can convince him to come home with you, which really shouldn’t be too hard.”

“He ain’t my boyfriend, Sammy,” Dean grumbled, but obediently got into the shotgun seat of the car and let Sam drive. (Nice of him.)

“You’re gonna be fine, man,” Sam muttered as he started the car, quietly enough that Dean wouldn’t hear him. “You got no idea how much Cas loves you.”

#~+~#

Is Dean faring alright?

**I think it’ll be fine. But we really do need to get Cas back here ASAP so that he can patch this all up. I don’t know how to fix it.**

It is not your job to fix it, Samuel. This is Dean’s mistake, and my own.

**Dean forgives you, Ezekiel.**

I could care less about what Dean thinks.

**_I_** **forgive you, Ezekiel.**

Thank you, Samuel.

#~+~#

“I’ll have some beef jerky and a pack a’ menthols.”

An ex-angel looked up from his inventory and locked eyes with his friend.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded, bypassing the obligatory greeting entirely.

“Gee, it’s good to see you too, Cas,” Sam muttered.

“It’s ‘Steve’ now,” he replied, gesturing to his nametag. “And uh… you know, you surprised me.”

Sam sighed. “So… have you seen Dean lately?”

“Not since he asked me to leave the bunker,” Cas replied. Sam pursed his lips and nodded.

“Well, that’d be because he’s kinda scared,” Sam admitted.

“Of what?” Cas’ tone was self-deprecating. “Of _me_? I don’t even have Grace. I don’t know how to fight, I can’t even hunt correctly. Dean was able to force me to leave without encountering any resistance. He has nothing to be afraid of.”

“He’s scared because he loves you, Cas,” Sam groaned.

“No, he doesn’t,” Cas replied easily, appearing if not unbothered than at least resigned. “And that is unkind of you to use my feelings for Dean against me, to manipulate me. I had thought that you were better than that.”

Sam found himself temporarily so offended by that that he was speechless for a brief moment, a brief moment during which Ezekiel took over.

“Yes, he really does love you, you ignorant…” He paused, searching for the right word. “Assbutt.”

“And how exactly would you know that?”

“I…”

I can just _see _it. Everyone can see it! How can he-

**It’s alright, dude. Just trust me.**

“Cas, how long have I known my brother?” Sam asked.

“Your entire life.”

“Exactly. Which means I know literally everything about him. That little twitch in his lips when he smiles at you? He’s only ever looked at three people that way – me, Lisa, and now you. And don’t forget he made you a fucking mixtape. Whenever he takes the time to give me presents they’re usually gag gifts like princess books for four-year-old girls. But that bitch _made _you a mixtape, on a tape he got from one of Baby’s cassettes. And I’m sure you don’t understand the cultural significance of that but in the 90s that was a thing that guys did for their girlfriends. Cas, goddamn, he loves you, man! He was just panicking because of how much he could stand to lose if he confessed. He’d rather have you platonically than not have you at all. You gotta know something about being scared, don’t you?”

He watched his friend’s face as he realized and accepted it, and his mouth fell ever so slightly open. “Dean loves me,” he murmured.

“Yep. Dean has only ever loved his family like this, Cas. You got in, Castiel, with flying fuckin’ colors and very little effort, too. Live a little. Take some risks. You’re human now; humans make mistakes and they fuck up and they ruin things and then they fix them. Be a person, dude. Take a goddamn jump.”

In his head, he heard Zeke praying. Father, please forgive Samuel Winchester for constantly-

**Shut up, I’m working him over.**

Cas was silent for a long time, but then he said, “my shift ends in five minutes. If you’re willing to wait, I’ll ride back with you.”

Sam sighed, and Ezekiel sighed as well. “Good. I’ll be in the car.”

#~+~#

“So you know how I’ve helped you a million times in the past?”

Dean stared at the archangel, unimpressed. “I know how you’ve abused and hurt us over and over and we didn’t kill you.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Gabriel replied, grinning. “I have just a small favor to ask of you.”

“Oh, joy,” Dean muttered sarcastically.

“Can you take care of my dog?” He snapped his fingers, and a small golden corgi appeared in his lap, yipping excitedly. “His name’s Chester and he’s precious and I can’t keep him in a pocket dimension forever or he’ll cease to exist. Can you… please?”

“Jesus tapdancing Christ.”

“Also can you give me tips on how to get with your brother?”

(Neither of them would ever learn this, but as soon as the words left his mouth, there was an exchange of money in Heaven.

Raphael had bet on Gabriel going to Dean for advice. Michael had bet that he wouldn’t want to get with Sam Winchester in the first place. Naturally, Raphael won the bet. ((Of course, she only won because Gabriel had told her that he was in love with Sam, so she already had an advantage over him.))

**DAMMIT GABRIEL, I just lost all my no-grooming cards**, Michael grumbled in his True Voice.

_Did someone say something?_ Gabriel wondered, still waiting for Dean’s response.)

Dean made a disgusted face. “You think I know how to get with Sammy? You think I’ve, I don’t know, _tried _that? Also, do you think I would actually tell you if I did know?”

The smile dropped of Gabriel’s face. “Look, I get that you hate me but I really care about your stupid Bigfoot of a little brother. And-”

“It’s adorable that you think you’re good enough for him,” Dean shot back, intentionally provoking the angel. He absently brought his hands to his chest to finish buttoning his shirt which he never actually got done with after his shower.

“You son of a bitch,” Gabriel growled, swallowing the bait whole and lunging at him. Dean fended him off with his forearms but the sudden shift in weight knocked him off the bed and before he knew what was happening the two of them were wrestling like children on the floor of his bedroom, and fighting dirty, too. He was lying on his back pulling Gabriel’s hair and the archangel was throwing intentionally weak punches at his chest.

They were interrupted by a shout and they froze.

**_“WITH MY BROTHER?”_** in three overlapping voices.

Standing in the doorway with his arms crossed was Cas, and right next to him, wearing an expression of shock, was Sam.

The layers in Sam’s voice made Gabriel flinch on reflex, then do a double-take before he realized- oh. Shit. His face turned white and he disappeared with barely a POP, leaving behind a box of Junior Mints.

“What the actual hell?” Sam demanded, staring at the entire room. “What the- what are you doing with Gabriel, Dean?”

Dean scrambled to his feet, desperately attempting to cover himself. What the fuck was his problem? “Sammy- Cas- uh… this isn’t what it looks like.”

“Well, I guess you were wrong, Sam,” Cas observed drily before turning to walk out of the room, his arms falling limp to his sides.

Sam took a deep breath, attempting to keep himself calm. _Deep breaths in, Sam. Don’t smack the angel. Don’t smack the angel. You’re alright. Don’t smack him._

He cannot do anything to you, Samuel, and he is being an assbutt. Smack him.

Sam smiled, but then realized his arm was inching upward.

**I am literally 90% of my impulse control right now. How in the nine hells are you moving my arm?**

Slowly, Zeke answered, almost shocking a laugh out of his vessel.

Dean sighed, took a deep breath, and then buttoned the last button of his shirt and pushed past his brother into the hall to find Cas.

He eventually did, in the library, reading an ancient text on Greek Monsters, violently turning the pages (like, hard enough to rip them violently) and stirring up huge clouds of dust.

“You uh… look, I know you’re pissed at me but you ain’t gotta take it out on the book,” he said as he sat down across the table from his friend. Cas didn’t look up at him.

“I am mostly angry with your brother, actually,” he announced, taking Dean aback.

“Woah, why you mad at Sam?” he asked. “Sam didn’t do anything.”

“Yes he did. He gave me false hope.” Cas made eye contact with Dean for a moment before looking back to his book. “He told me that you loved me, and I _believed _him. I believed it was possible that you could love me back. And then I saw that and I remembered that I am worthless and lowly and I mean nothing to you.”

“You won’t even let me explain myself?” Dean requested as calmly and quietly as he could.

Cas sighed, still staring at his giant leather-bound tome. “Very well.”

Dean smiled a little in relief. “Cas, I do love you. I love you a lot. And I don’t… say that to people, most the time, but I feel like you need to hear it. I love you, ‘kay?”

“Then what was that?”

“With Gabriel? I was _goading _him, man, ‘cause I don’t like that he wants to bang my brother. And then he – predictably – attacked me, and we were fightin’ dirty like brothers. None of that was sexual, alright?”

“You mean it.” It wasn’t a question; Cas could probably just tell.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I do. Really do.”

Cas stood up, closed his book, walked around the table, and stood there, towering over Dean, for just a minute. Then he grabbed the front of Dean’s shirt, pulled him to his feet, slammed his back against a bookshelf, and proceeded to kiss him senseless.

Sam walked in on them an hour later, still making out against the bookshelf, and physically retched because “come on, Dean, not on the books! I read those!”

I thought you wanted them together, Ezekiel pointed out.

**Yeah, but not making out on my books, goddammit!**

Samuel, I have asked you repeatedly-

**Shut the fuck up, I’m emotional!**

#~+~#

A few days after they finally got together, Cas and Dean remembered something important: Gabriel.

“He- he wants to get in Sam’s pants.”

“Yes, I am aware of this.”

“I think… wow I’m gonna hate myself for sayin’ this, but… I think we should help him get with my baby brother.” Dean paused. “Oh! I was right! I do hate myself for saying that!”

“You hate yourself for everything,” Cas pointed out.

“Yeah… that’s true. Anyway, how could we get them together?”

“Well, I have a few ideas.”

#~+~#

The first phase of their plan was to get Gabriel to come back, which… unfortunately was where they got stuck. They never even got to phase two because no matter what they did, no matter how hard they prayed, he refused to return for longer than a few seconds.

Once, he popped in to give them the finger and then popped out again. Later, he showed up and said “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say” and then flew away.

The most recent time, he appeared, conjured a Post-It note on Dean’s forehead, and then disappeared. The Post-It read ‘stop praying for me. I really don’t care. Sam doesn’t want me, and I need to hide and lick my wounds.’

“You’re an idiot!” Dean shouted at the ceiling. “You’re a goddamn idiot, Gabriel! Sam loves you, he’s just too much of a fuckin’ coward to show it!”

He sighed and slumped into a chair. “Are we fucked, Cas?”

“You are not.” Dean glanced up at the sound of his brother’s voice.

“Hi, Zeke,” he muttered dejectedly.

“Get me the holy oil and the lighter,” Ezekiel commanded, and Dean grinned before doing exactly as he said. Zeke made his circle in record time and immediately turned to face the door.

“Brother,” he called, tilting Sam’s head up slightly toward the sky. “We are in desperate need of your presence.”

It is silent for a very long moment, and then there’s a faint whoosh, and a very tired-looking Gabriel pops _right_ into the circle of holy fire. Ezekiel’s expression morphs into one of relief and he lights the fire, and then he says, “tell him. I am in his mind, I know how he will react. No one here will let you out until you do.”

And then – boom. Sam took over his body again.

**You should leave,** he told Ezekiel. **You don’t want to see this.**

I am intending to. In fact, I think this is the end. Goodbye, Sam.

“Bye Zeke,” he muttered out loud and as soon as he had, he felt the absence of the angel’s presence. He hadn’t realized how much Ezekiel had been supporting him until he was gone. He let out a small gasp and his hand shot out to brace himself against the wall. He really _was _weak from those Trials, Dean hadn’t been lying.

He took a deep breath and then made eye contact with Gabriel. “So what’s going on? Zeke says you want to tell me somethin’.”

Gabriel took a deep breath. “Don’t suppose I’m getting out of it?” He looked to Dean and Cas to answer, and both of them shook their heads in unison. He sighed heavily. “Okay, but you two please leave.”

Cas smiled at his brother, grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, and dragged him out of the room.

“What’s going on, Gabriel? There’s no way it’s _this_ big of a deal.”

“I didn’t ask for this, Sam,” he said. “I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask to be the one who’s always caught in the crossfire. I didn’t ask to be so useless and helpless. I didn’t ask to fall in love with you! I didn’t want to fall in love with you, but then I did, and I _hate _it, I hate it _so much_, because you don’t – you _can’t_ – love me.”

“You’re an idiot,” Sam murmured, smiling fondly at the archangel, and then he strode across the room, through the ring of holy fire, and kissed him.

When they pulled back, Gabriel whispered, “kiss me if I’m wrong, but you hate me, right?”

Sam laughed and kissed him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Does the ending feel rushed? I was kind of impatient and running out of motivation to finish this so I just kinda did it. Lmk what you think cause I got know idea. I am my own harshest critic.
> 
> Love,  
-Fake Dean | Sil


End file.
